An odd anniversary . . .

So, today is the two year anniversary of me having my stroke. Some people think it's odd for me to mark the date of such an "event," but for me it's important to remember that day. After all, it probably had a much more significant impact on my life than many other days.

It was a Saturday afternoon on Labor Day weekend, 2002. I had slept in until 11:00, which was odd for me at the time (much more commonplace nowadays.) I was bored so I rushed out and decided to hit a 1:00 movie. It was "One Hour Photo," with Robin Williams. When I got to the theatre, I was feeling a bit weak, but I chalked it up to hunger and grogginess from sleeping too late. Throughout the movie I felt weaker and more tired, but just promised myself some Subway and a long nap when I got home. Near the end of the film I reached into my pocket for a Listerine strip but my left arm wouldn't move near my pocket. I figured my arm was asleep and figured I could wait until the end of the film.

Which happened to be when everything fell apart.

When I walked out of the theatre, I felt like my entire left side of my body was controlled by a drunk pupetteer. My arms and legs wouldn't move in the directions I wanted them to and I kept stumbling into the walls. I barely made it into the lobby, and I could feel the left side of my face drooping. What's worse is that my thoughts were bouncing around incoherently and I couldn't even comprehend what I needed to do, except that I wanted to get outside. I think it's probably a lot like what being drunk feels like although without any pretty girls or friends around. Being alone was the worst part.

I sat on a bench to clear my head and remembered thinking "I'm dying." I went to tie my shoes but couldn't coordinate my legs and my hands together. I took off my glasses to rub my eyes, but my left arm wouldn't manuever them back on my head. I stood up and walked to get a drink of water and that's when I collapsed on the floor.

There was a little girl nearby and I asked her to get an usher. I remember that the worst part, as the crowd was gathering around, was how I spoke and thought. My words came out slurred and garbled, and I sounded like I had a mental impairment (I'm sure blood flow being cut off to the brain is actually an impairment, now that I think about it.) And as people asked me my name and if I had anyone I could call I couldn't think of the right words or responses to answer. I remember saying "I'm Chris" very loudly and saying "call my nana." Even as I said it, I was panicking. I had no idea what was going on except that it felt like my brain was retreating back to a child. I was sure I had cancer or that I wouldn't survive the trip to the hospital.

I remember the paramedics coming, asking me questions. The asked me to move my left fingers, my left toes. By then my entire left side was unresponsive. I remember the oxygen tubes being shoved in my nose, something I had always feared (although, honestly, they aren't as bad as I feared and the cool rush of air was refreshing.) I remember the ride to the hospital and how quick we made it to Beaumont. I probably would have been impressed had I not been hearing them talk about CT scans and scared to death I had a tumor. I know I've heard people who are calm in those moments; I was scared to death. I was sure that any minute I would die and all I could think of was that it was the worst way to go: on the floor, alone at a movie theatre (a pretty bad movie, at that), my parents camping two hours away, no friends or family by my side.

After about 20 minutes in the ER, my Papaw showed up and I was so glad to see him. He's been the person I loved and repected more than almost anyone and I felt much calmer when he showed up. After awhile, my left side began responding again. I think there was one more spell, but it was brief and--looking back--could have been due to my nerves. I was able to stand up and--sorry--go to the bathroom. I was able to eat a meal while answering questions about drug use and sexual history (it was a short interview; I'm a very boring person.) My parents showed up and talked to me. I had a CT Scan that came back normal. The doctors wanted to keep me in there overnight.

There is more. I spent a week in the hospital. They performed heart tests, brain tests, two MRIs, a spinal tap and more on me. Friends visited. I got by on a good sense of humor and company of good friends. To everyone else, I was in good spirits, but I was scared to death. The doctors were afraid I might have MS. I was scared I had cancer. Good news would be if there was a stroke, but then we had to figure out what caused it.

Moments like that, define your faith. Looking back, I sadly realize how much of a lack of it I had. I read my Bible looking for promises I'd be healthy. It took me a few weeks to pray again. I was mad at God for letting me go through something like this so young. I was scared to tell God "your will be done," because what if His will meant my death? I feigned faith and thanked people for praying. All I wanted was to get out of the hospital and I was sure that I would have another, more violent, episode before I was discharged. The last day was spent having a spinal tap, lying on my back for six hours to recover from it, and having an MRI before being discharged at ten in the evening. When I got in the car and felt the cold air from outside and got to eat a cheeseburger from McDonalds, I burst into tears. I never thought I'd feel that again.

Some people wouldn't get why this would be such a big deal. After all, in and out of the hospital. Back to work in a week. Not too bad, right? But I was a wreck for nearly a year. Even after the doctor came back with news that it was a stroke but my heart and blood were fine, I still worried. No answers meant no assurance. What if it happened again? When I went to the movies I'd have flashbacks. When I was out away from my secure zones, I'd have panic attacks. I couldn't work, think, or live without thinking of it. I was depressed and scared. And although medication was issued, it wasn't what made things right.

Looking back, I realize how serious the situation could have been and how lucky I was. I have no side effects lingering from the stroke, aside from maybe garbling my words when I'm tense or stressed. I can walk fine. My mental capacity is what it always was (which, admittedly, might not be much.) I needed no surgery and no medication stronger than a blood thinner. My doctor is optomistic. And although from time to time I still tense up and flash back, those times are fewer and farer between. I'm doing good.

But the situation made me think of so many things. First, life is short. You never know when your number could be up. So what am I going to do with the time I have left? It's put work and money in proper perspective, I can tell you that. It's given me a new appreciation for times with friends and times "smelling the roses."

Most importantly, though, it's made me take a hard look at my faith. I have never been a man of extreme faith, I'm sad to say. In my childhood years, I would question my salvation. In college, I doubted God's existence. Now, through this, i was brought face to face with another question: was God going to be enough for me? Was He going to see me through the trials? Could I trust Him with my life?

People talk about life-altering moments. And I guess this was one of them for me. But not because things changed in an instant, but because it's effects brought to light changes that I had to depend on God to work in me for almost two years. Things he's still working on me with. I'm stronger in faith because of going through that time. But I'm still dependent on God for that faith. But now I know that I can trust Him.

Guess you could call it my stroke of luck.

C-Dubbs

decreased. . .

As I've been slowly going through the Gospels in my own personal study, I'm amazed at how much detail I've missed all my life. The life of Christ has made for many epic stories and there are amazing things that He did when He was on the Earth, that's true. But the thing that surprises me as I pour into the details and spend time just on sections we normally gloss over is just how human and intimate Christ was and how the responses of those around Him was such a lesson for the life we live today.

John the Baptist has always been glossed over whenever I've heard the Gospels taught. He's kind of always been described for me as the warm up act to Christ. The announcer. The M.C., if you will. But in looking at John's gospel, I've seen just how much humility and passion John had for the Lord.

In John 3:22-36, there's a dispute going on between John's disciples and the Jews. And they come and ask John the differences between him and this new "rabbi" how is stealing all John's thunder. Rather than explain that we all have differences or to each his own, as we often do, John points his disciples to Christ and says that He's the reason John's been doing all the teaching. All that he's been doing has been preparing the way for Christ. In reality, he really was the opening act. His response in verse 30 is so poignant and true to the calling we are called to each day. "He must increase, but I must decrease."

John's whole life and ministry was to point people to Christ. Not to impress them with his preaching or dazzle them with any tricks. His only job was to prepare the way for the Lord and bring people to the One they had been waiting for.

As I meditated on it over the past week, I really began to ask myself if we're that different. We get wrapped up in our lives. We think we're the main characters in our own little stories, and I think that's why so many of us get discouraged and despair. We're part of a bigger story. And whatever talents, gifts, or situations God has placed in your path are still only there for one reason: to glorify Him.

It's been humbling as I've tried to put that passage to heart. Yes, I'm called to do good at my job, to be respectful of people, to be there for my friends, to pay my bills, to be a good citizen. But why? Because they are good things or because I'm supposed to be a nice guy? No! The reason I should be doing anything I do is so that people look at my life and ask the secret. They ask "why." And then, instead of pulling out my Seven Tips for Success or rattling off my credentials, I can point them to Christ. That's the only reason I'm here.

He Must Increase, and I must Decrease.

C-Dubbs

Chris Defined. . .

So I've started watching this new show on VH1 called "Totally Obsessed." Bascially it's where people have allowed their lives become some wrapped up in one thing that the only way they can even get by in life is to allow video cameras to pay them a few bucks to have everyone else view how whacked out they are. It's the reality-TV equivalent of the carnival freak show in my opinion. I saw the couple who was raising a Cabbage Patch Kid as their own child; the man who had surgically altered himself to look like a tiger; the guy who restages the E.T. bike race every year and dresses like Elliot everywhere he goes.

While I'll admit to being intrigued and even entertained by the show, I also felt very sad watching it. Because this was what defined these people's lives. They will forever be known as Tiger-Man; Cabbage Patch Parents or E.T. Freak. Their lives and identity are wrapped up in that.

Last night on the way home from the Jeremy Camp concert, I started thinking about that as I was talking with my friend Christina about some of our frustrations with jobs, and singleness, and whatnot. And if we're honest, I think we really become obsessed to the same point as those people on that t.v. show. It's just that our obsessions are more socially acceptable.

But does that make it any less sad?

I'm in a singles' class at my church. I hate that term, Singles. Because it implies that the main thing defining my life right now is that I don't have a wife. And although many people would deny this, there is a general consesus among many in churches that being single is a detriment. You're somehow less complete or less equipped to serve without a partner by your side. If you're single it's a shame. It must be so sad and lonely, they say. Wouldn't you want someone to share life with. Think how much more you could accomplish and experience in life if you were just part of a couple.

Don't get me wrong; I have my moments where I'm very sick of being single. I'd love to get married and I'd like it to be sooner rather than later. But that's simply another part of my life. It doesn't define me. In fact, I don't look at my singleness as a detriment. Instead, being single has been a benefit to me. I've had time to learn about myself that I couldn't have had with someone by my side. I've had time to learn to be dependant and relient on God to meet ALL my needs, including those needs of companionship and company that we often depend on our "significant others" to provide. And honestly, I feel being single has freed my up more to serve God than most couples can have. I don't have to take Saturday nights off to be by someone's side, which means I can get involved with Sunday School.

Being single is a part of who I am, that's true. But it doesn't define me. I would be the same person if I was married than if I was single. I would laugh at the same jokes, hold the same political views, keep the same faith. If I get married, great. If not. . . well, than that's just what God has in store. It doesn't change who I am at all. So let's stop defining people by that.

So we look to our jobs for definition. But when I say I'm a customer care representative, does that explain who I am? If it does, than you would get the impression I'm a confrontational, angry human being, which is not the case. You'd think my life was stress and yelling, when I love to relax, joke, and have fun more than anyone.

Even my denomination isn't a good definition of who I am. I go to a Baptist church. But I'm not a Baptist; I'm a follower of Christ who happens to attend and belong to a Baptist church. Yet, I believe kids aren't harmed by reading "Harry Potter." I don't think the Teletubbies are gay. While I don't endorse the gay lifestyle and don't approve of it, I do believe our church has been to harsh and judgemental to those who live that way while those same church members are quick to brush over their own sins. So, again, being Baptist is a part of who I am. . . but it's a characteristic. I could attend another denomination of church and I'd still be the same Chris.

And I'm glad that none of those things define me. Because the other thing Christina and I were talking about was how those definitions will never be good enough. If you're single and get married, how long before everyone's bugging you to have kids? After that, how long before you're yearning for grandchildren? If you get the job you've always wanted, how long before you become disenchanted and start wanting more money or a promotion? Even when you've found that "perfect church," how long will it be before you start realizing your pastor isn't perfect and there are things there that really get under your skin?

I don't want to be defined by those things. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate them, I do. They are important characterisitics of who I am. But I would for people to look at me and say "there goes Chris, the Single Baptist Customer Service Rep." Instead, I'm learning the only thing that can define me, that I would WANT to define me, is for people to say, "there goes Chris. He follows Christ." That's it. That's who I want to be. That's what I want people to see when they see me. That's what I want to be putting out there with every breath and every action.

C-Dubbs

The song of my life. . .

Bought a copy of Mark Schultz' cd "Stories and Songs" today. He's such a good songwriter and storyteller. This song, though, is funny and really loses something when you can't hear how hectic and fast it goes. But the lyrics really do sum up my life and probably anyone else caught in the rat race.

Running Just to Catch Myself


I am driving
I am late for work
Spilling coffee
Down my whitest shirt
While I'm flossing
And I'm changing lanes
Oh Yeah
Now I'm driving
Through the parking lot
Doing eighty
Hey what the heck why not
Watch it lady
'Cause your in my spot
Once again
It's early to work
And here's a surprise
I got a McMuffin for just 99 cents today
I think they ran a special

CHORUS:
I can't stand still
Can I get a witness
Can you hear me
Anybody, anybody
I think I am running just to catch myself

Maybe someday I could fly away
Go to Key Largo or Montego Bay
Sport my speedo,maybe grab a tan
A dream vacation, wild elation
Now I'm running
Straight into my boss
And he's angry
Oh and he calls me Ross
Which is funny
'Cause that ain't my name
And that's lame
I'm still running
Running very late
For a meeting
Wait, that was yesterday
Guess I'm early for the one next week
Oh how sweet
I get on the ladder
I corporately climb
I wave at my life as it passes me by every day
My name's not Ross

CHORUS

Life in my cubicle is discreet
Life in my cubicle is neat
I've got some pictures of my friends
Some sharpened pencils...where's my pen
Ten O'clock I'm in a meeting
Paper cut I think I'm bleeding
Check my hair it's still receding
Hey what a life
Break for lunch
There's nothing better
Run outside and don my sweater
Like Fred Rogers let's be neighbors
I've lost my mind
I'm over worked
And underpaid
And non-appreciated
It's just a perk of being of being
Middle class
And educated
One... spinning circles in my chair
Two...win a game of solitaire
Three... And I ponder where my stapler's gone
Four O'clock and I stare at the door
And I stare at my watch
Then I stare at the door
I stand by my desk like I'm going to war
There's just one thing I'll be needing
Grab my paycheck as I'm leaving
Oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhh
It's five o'clock
It's time to go
There's crowds to fight
And horns to blow
It's talking fast on my cell phone
Hey watch out that's reckless driving
Five O'clock
It's time to leave
To hit the couch
And watch TV
Set the clock and go to sleep
It's 8 am on Monday morning
Again and again and again and again and again
Driving around
Nowhere to go
And so I hang with my lady Oh,
And chill with my bro's
It's okay, in my Cabriolet
I can't stand still
Can I get a witness
Can you hear me
Anybody, anybody
I think I am running just to catch myself
When I meet God
I will have a question
I just forgot my question
I think I am running just to catch myself
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

FROM THE SHELF. . .

In order to keep my critical skills honed in case I ever do succeed to the realm of film reviewer, I've decided to keep a once-a-week file of brief reviews of all the films I own. Plus, if you're ever in a funk on the weekend as to which movie to go rent, perhaps you should pick one of these recommendations. Enjoy! I hope to do 5-10 a week, depending on time.

Kill Bill-Vol. 1: I've written so many times about my love for Quentin Tarantino's entire epic of The Bride. . But this is a rush of a movie. This film is the style part of the epic; the substance comes down the road. But man, what a rush. The anime sequence is beautifully done and hypnotic. Uma Thurman has never been better--until volume 2, that is. The musical choices are superbly cut and the scenes with The Bride and Hattori Hanzo have a beauty that makes you forget that he's just making a sword. But, of course, the best part of this film is the bloody, over-the-top climax at the House of Blue Leaves, which I still believe is probably the best fight scene ever filmed.

Chappelle's Show, Season 1: Not for the sensitive or easily offensive, but Chappelle is this generation's Richard Pryor. He has the most brutally honest sense of humor about race relations. I love his sketch about the blind black white supremacist and the "Trading Spouses" idea. Yes, Season 2 is better, with Rick James and Charlie Murphy. But if you haven't caught Chappelle's Show on Comedy Central, you should check it out if just for his take on reparations for slavery.

Meet The Parents: Perhaps one of my favorite comedies and maybe the most infinitely quotable film I've ever seen. Without a doubt, it's my favorite Ben Stiller performance and Robert Deniro's comic timing is superb. So many throw-away lines pack more humor than most regular comedies have and the direction is just so well done that the timing on the jokes hits the mark every time. The dinner table sequence is hilarious and Owen Wilson steals the show halfway through.

Dawn of the Dead (1978): I actually prefer the recent remake to this film simply because I think it packs more stark horror into it. The first five minutes were incredibly intense and there were so many wonderful suspense pieces. But the original is actually quite effective, years later. It's not as fast-paced or terrifying as the newer film and I have to admit that the slower zombies are not my cup of tea. But it's all accepted so matter-of-factly and the film is so quiet in scenes that it achieves an eerieness to it that spills over into dread. The gore in some parts is disgusting to watch. Not a great flick by my standards, but not bad.

The Blues Brothers: This is probably my favorite movie musical. I picked it up on DVD earlier this year and forgot just how energetic of a film it is. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi are great as the brothers, but lets not forget the real reason this movie works: the musical scenes including Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin, and others are dynamic. The car chase that ends the third act is fantastic and I love the subtle humor that Aykroyd brings to the film. The only bad thing about it? It's because of this gem that we had to endure the abysmal Blues Brothers 2000.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day: Any fan of action flicks has to realize that this is probably the biggest, baddest, most thrilling action film ever made. Watching it just before I saw the third last year I was amazed that it still towers above even Michael Bay's excersizes in excess. The reason, of course is James Cameron, who needs to get back to work, pronto! The script is smart and touching. Arnold is bad as ever, but Linda Hamilton gives him a run for his money in the action department. The action never feels ludicrous or out of control, but perfectly in step with the epic nature of the film. It's a pity that the reason some people thought Terminator 3 was a letdown was because a perfectly fine action film had to come in the shadow of one of the biggest and best ever.

Shanghai Noon: Sometime in the late-90s, Hollywood finally found out what to do with Jackie Chan. Rather than make his films cheesy martial arts flicks or just release his old Hong Kong films, they decided to pair him up with American comedians and let loose with some action comedies. While I did enjoy both Rush Hour films, this film is probably my favorite of his, due in large part to Owen Wilson's slacker-cowboy persona. Jackie's uptight shogun and Wilson's hippie bank robber are perfect foils, the action is fun to watch and the story borders far enough on absurd to keep us laughing. The sequel, Shanghai Knights is just as good, but I just don't have it on video yet.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind: Steven Spielberg will pop up a lot on this list. Of any filmmaker, his films have constantly touched a nerve in me time and again. No one can tell a story like him. And I really am dismayed that people who are my age have either never seen this beautiful film or are not impressed. I love the idea with which Spielberg runs in this. How different would your life be if you did see life beyond ours? What if, instead of danger, we approached it as a learning opportunity. It's a great story of how passion can turn into obsession. Not the whiz-bang popcorn flick of today, but rather an intriguing and well-told story that I hope people rediscover.

Pulp Fiction: My favorite Tarantino flicks are Kill Bill vol 1 and 2. But what kind of movie-lover would I be if I didn't recognize this wild masterpiece? I love how it careens through time and the characters interlap. I love the dialouge. I love Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, and especially Samuel L. Jackson, who all give career-defining roles. This movie is such a rush as it weaves through the stories of different low lives. I love the way it plays with traditional structure. I love the way the music fits every scene so perfectly. Great movie.

Jackass-The Movie: And here we see where my tastes diverge. How can I follow the brilliance of Tarantino's writing with the inane adventures of a bunch of drunken frat boys crashing into walls and giving themselves paper cuts. I can't give you any reason other than that's the way it is on my shelf. This movie is a true guilty pleasure. Nothing redeeming. Nothing artistic. But if you can't laugh when watching a man jump into a cieling fan. . . well, I pity you.

More next week kids!

C-Dubbs

What a difference. . .

I don't know if I ever stopped to realize how detremental my financial situation really was to me. Now that things have slowed down a bit and I'm in a position where I feel very comfortable and in control of my finances, it's a bit refreshing to look back. I feel more peaceful, I awake without having to worry about bills to pay. Therefore, I don't drag as much in the morning, which helps me get out the door for work on time. Since I'm hitting the road on time, I get to work early, which means I'm not rushing to log onto the phones. That makes me a bit calmer and in a much better mood during the day, which also means I don't have the urge to come home and just fall asleep after work. It's so odd to look back and see how much stress was caused just by finances.

That's the one thing no one prepares you for when you move out, although your parents may have tried to teach you to be responsible from day one. No one tells you just how alluring credit cards are. How quick the month ends and those payments can become do. No one told me anything about interest rates or loans that I could take to free myself from debt. No one explained to me that the collections officer could be your best friend or worst enemy.

It's just another thing I had to learn. And I guess that's what the hardest part was. It wasn't a lack of Faith; if anything, God consistently proved himself faithful as I struggled. It wasn't blaming my parents; they had taught me all I needed to know growing up. It was the adjustment that comes with living under responsibility. It was learning that money isn't just a thing to blow on DVDs or CDs anymore. It's something that, over the past year, I've really learned the value of. It's something I hope to be more responsible with, grateful for, and less dependent on.

The common complaint from people my age (and I've voiced this many times as well) is that we're not given any guidebook once we turn 18. We think once we become adults that suddenly we'll have all the answers. We think that our parents were just born with the knowledge they had and that we're being cheated. We don't realize that so much of life is learning. So much of it is on-the-job training, so to speak. Like Indiana Jones said, we're making this up as we go along. We're winging it.

I, for one, like that idea. Because I believe we're not really winging it too far. God has written our days out for us. For now, we need to take it one step at a time and trust that he'll provide us with everything we need for the next step. But we should never stop learning.

Well, that's it for now. Weekend sort of starts tomorrow, although I'm picking up another Saturday shift, although it's only 7:30-4:00, so it's not too bad. Tomorrow night we may get dinner with my sister before she leaves, and then Erin is going to come over to watch the Olympics. Saturday after work Jeremy Camp and Sanctus Real are in concert, so me and Christina are going to go check that out. Sunday is church and then we start all the fun over again!

C.D.

Um, it's Wednesday. . . and this is a new entry. . . read on. . .

Really nothing much new to say tonight. Regular day. Cleaned the apartment. Watched some episodes of "Da Ali G Show" which had been recommended to me by some friends. Very funny stuff, especially Borat :) Then I basically just spent the night running errands and paying bills and taking a walk. It actually felt good to be able to pay bills though, without the pressure of knowing each check was sending me deeper in the hole. Hopefully this is the start of a newer, more responsible era for me :)

I can't believe summer is already over. Here in Michigan it feels like we barely got a summer, although I'm sure we say that every year. But it just felt so odd to be driving around and see signs that said "School is in Session, drive carefully." How can it be the end of August already? How can we be a week away from going into September, the fall months and winter right around the corner?? Is Christmas actually only four months away from today?

I think when you get out of school and start working full-time, the months move so much faster because there really is no break. We don't get two weeks off at Christmas (unless you work in the auto industry.) We have to schedule our vacations and breaks. Unless you work for the schools, you don't get a three month summer vacation. In fact, the only proof that the seasons change and that the year is passing is when the weather starts changing and we have to flip the calendar.

Part of me mourns that loss. Of course I miss the long breaks we took for granted during our school days. And I miss being able to look forward to summer and winter because they meant summer vacation and winter holiday, instead of meaning "time for the electric bill to go up" or "time to drive through the snow." And I miss being able to spend lazy summer days sitting around the pool, lying in the grass, riding my bike for hours or play fort or war with the neighbor kids. I miss the winter, when snow meant more wars, snowmen, sledding, forts, and angels. Now snow just means praying that cars will start and hoping your back doesn't give out when you have to shovel the walk.

We've given these things up for our cubicles and offices. We've exchanged playtime for errand time or tv time. But I wonder if it's necessary to give up our play. Yes, of course we have to work. And our everyday chores and errands are a very necessary part of life we have to see to. But what about all the other time we waste? The hours we spend watching "Seinfeld" reruns or taking naps or blogging (I'm picking on me here with all of those.) Those are times we could be spending at some sort of play. . . running, swimming, doing SOMETHING that makes us remember we're alive. I think we're the most obese nation in the world not because we eat so much but because we have too many diversions. The televsion, automobile, and internet are as much to blame for our balooning waists as McDonalds and Taco Bell. Maybe more.

I'm going to make an effort to play more. Get out and be more active. Take longer walks. Actually go to the gym. Swim. Because that's where we remember we are alive and that's where we can celebrate this wonderful world God has given us.

Sorry about all the meandering tonight on that. I didn't plan to write it. Just more of a train of thought rambling :)

C-Dubbs

I am feeling very Olympic today. . . how 'bout you?

Not a bad day today. Getting back to work was fine. . . it was actually a pretty slow day, so that helped things stay kind of calm. I got my loan check from Fidelity, so I actually have some money :) I got to grab dinner and ice cream with Erin and then go back to her place to watch the Olympics (whoever decided to make beach volleyball an Olympic sport is my favorite person in the world!)

The Olympics really make my mind boggle. First off, doing some of these events never ceases to amaze me. These gymnasts have so much strength, flexibility and control over their bodies. I can barely stumble down the hall first thing in the morning, let alone jump and flip and. . . um, run. Their lives have been given over to training and complete dedication to reach this one point, where they can prove they are the best in the world.

And I can't imagine what it would be like to win the gold. To stand on that podium with the cheers of thousands, a gold medal around your neck, watching your country's flag rise higher as your nation's anthem is played. How can they keep from breaking down into tears? How can they remain proud as they realize this sport is so much bigger than them. . . they aren't just proving something about themselves, but about the land they represent and the people who sent them there.

In 1 Corinthians 9:24-25, Paul wrote, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a persihable crown, but we do it for an imperishable crown."

People ask why I live the way I do. Why I don't hit the bars, sleep around, or participate in some of the things they do. I could say it's because "I'm a good person," but I know that's a lie. I'm not good. None of us are. Rather, I do the things I do (and don't do the things I don't do) because I know that I am called to live a life that glorifies God. I know anything else hinders me from living a life worthy of Christ, just the same way that eating a candy bar, sleeping during practice, or not training at all is going to have a negative impact on an athelete. I also know that what I do reflects on the one I represent, just as carousing Olympians can tarnish their country's reputation. It's not about me.

When that flag is unfolded, I have to believe that the Olympians forget about all their training and all their effort. Rather, they are proud of the country they represent. They are proud that all eyes and ears are trained on their country, the one they believe very proudly is the best in the world. When I receive whatever crowns I get or I gain any recognition, I pray that my attitude will be the same. I want all eyes directed, not at a flag, but at a cross and an empty tomb. I want them to know that I did this because I represent the Best.

I also wonder where the Olympians can go after the game. After winning the gold medal and being called the best in the world, what can you do? What other high is there in life? Can you obtain a higher goal? Or is your life destined to be a punchline on VH1 or a trivia question on "Jeopardy"?

But I love what Paul wrote, ". . .Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, wehn I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified."

Our crown will not pass away. Our prize is certain. So, our training is not in vain. Living and walking by faith is not pointless. Our prize is certain. Our future is clear. And all of this is worth it. I pray that I can live this way each and every day and that at the end of my life I can echo these other words of Paul,

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing." 2 Timothy 4:7-8

C-Dubbs

Greetings from the other side of the monitor. . .

Well, it's the end of my two days off. Back to work tomorrow. But I'm relaxed and ready. I feel energetic and ready to get back to work after two days of relaxing. So, it will be nice. I had a nice evening tonight. Talked on the phone with Erin for a bit, the first time since she returned from camp. Went out for coffee with Christina tonight, which was nice. We had a nice long chat about our faith and beliefs and the frustrations of life. Drank some coffee, took a walk. It was nice.

I love it when conversations can turn to God. That's why I am so thankful for the Christian friends God has given me. I can chat about movies, Simpsons, or complain about work just like anyone else. But what really lights a fuse in me, what really makes me excited to talk about, is the joy of God. Knowing Him, asking the deep questions, pursuing Him in the company of others. That's the special moment when friendship takes a deeper turn and becomes fellowship, I think. We talk a lot about fellowship, but I don't think fellowship is necessarily just sitting with church friends over a potluck and talking about the weather. Fellowship is when we come together as believers and our minds are attuned to God and we are exploring His mysteries. Those are the moments that I live for :)

I once had a friend, a Christian friend, who complained that I talked about God too much. Perhaps some of you who read this blog feel the same way. Shut up and talk about movies, you say. Or maybe you just want me to shut up. My friend's point was, "you don't have to talk about God all the time." And I thought about that.

Of course, it's not necessary that I talk about God all the time. And if you read this blog, you'll find that my entries aren't always of the spiritual variety. But how do I agree with her comment and reconcile it with 1 Corinthians 10:31, which commands, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." ?

Of course, as a human living after the Fall, not everything I do glorifies God. My thoughts, actions, and words don't always bring glory to my Creator. But does that make it right? As I pursue God more and more, I'm realizing it doesn't. In fact, the more I pursue Him, the more tired I get with talking about movies and tv shows (although a well-placed Simpsons or meet the parents quote still makes me laugh.) Maybe I'm learning that there are things that are fleeting and will end and will ultimately stop satisfying me. And maybe I'm learning that the only thing that is going to be of any eternal satisfaction is to keep my thoughts and words focused on God.

Yesterday, my pastor was talking about immediate issues and ultimate issues. And I focus A LOT on immediate issues. I worry about paying my bills, finding a wife, getting through my job with my sanity in tact, and about where my next meal will come from. And while God is concerned about those things, and is so faithful at providing for them, He's most concerned with the Ultimate issue, which is that He is glorified. And that's where my thoughts, actions, and words should be focused on. No, not everything I do is focused on glorifying God. But that doesn't make it right. I need to look at those areas that don't glorify God and see if there's some amputation that needs to take place.

And I guess that's why I write in this blog. It started as a way for me to keep writing, to vent issues that would drive me nuts if they stayed locked up inside me. But now I write because God is so involved in my life that to keep it in would be insane. I hope these words are of service to you and of encouragement or help. But most importantly, I hope the words I write glorify God.

C-Dubbs

I've done absolutely nothing and it's everything I've ever dreamed it could be. . .

That pretty much sums up my day off today. Usually I get mad at myself for just slothing around and being lazy, but sometimes it's just so nice. Today is one of the nice days. Other than a quick trip to the bank, I've done absolutely nothing of any concern today except putz around the internet, watch TV, eat lunch, do my devotions, and take a refreshing nap. After this entry I plan to do some reading, take a long walk, and maybe hit the gym. But for now, I've also had a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head and I want to get at least one of them out now. . .

I'm constantly amazed as I study the life of Christ in my devotions just how much I've never picked up on before. Even though I've heard the stories all my life, reading through the Gospels again is just such and amazing, refreshing experience that continualy puts me in my place. I have things I want to say about that over the next few days, but I want to start today with something that we've all heard before.

In John 2:13-25, Jesus cleanses the temple for the first time. This has always been an account that has touched a nerve with me. For one, it's done so simply because I think it shows a human side of Jesus, as he's angered about the irreverance shown to the Father. But as I've grown older, there's been something else that consumes me: his passion for the church. The verse that always stands out to me is John 2:17, Then His disciples remembered that it was written, "Zeal for your house has eaten me up."

We talk a lot about What Would Jesus Do. We teach a lot about being Just Like Jesus. And in those talks, we tend to focus so much on compassion, love, and humility. Nothing wrong with those things at all. But very rarely, if ever, do we talk about having a passion for the Body, a zeal for the church.

Last night I was having coffee with a friend from my church and a friend I had grown up with at an old church. And we spent some time talking about various meltdowns at churches we had gone to. Pastors who were immoral. Staff who were burnt-out. Budgets that had to be slashed. The American Church right now is going through a crisis point. Churches are viewed as homes to hypocrites; greedy evangelists; immoral adulterers; and pedophiles. I'm sure the church has contained all those people through it's history. . . after all, it's full of sinners, so what more do we expect? But I'm seeing an alarming, sad trend, especially around people my age. Instead of fighting for change and being consumed with a zeal for the Body, Christians are giving up and getting out.

One of my friends and I left my old church at the same time, about two and a half years ago. I was quick to find a new congregation to call home that I'm very thankful for and fond of. But my friend stepped out of church. She said the hurt and betrayal caused at her old church was too much for her, so she was going to find her own way to worship God.

I'm seeing this a lot. People are "taking a break from church." I've heard so much talk about "I can be a good christian without going to church," "If I'm not going to worship why should I go," and my personal favorite, "it says where two or more are gathered in his name, so since I'm hanging out with my friends, isn't that the same as going to church?" It makes me sad that so many Christians are disillusioned with church. I can understand why; I've seen churches that have been split and torn apart all my life. But is the right answer to get out? Can we really say, "It's just me and God and that's all I need?"

First off, let me clarify. Going to church does not make one a Christian and not going to church does not strip one of salvation. I don't want to imply that at all. But, as I've heard said before, when you remove the Gospel from any context of community, it ceases to be the Gospel. Christians were made to be in a community. Church IS utmost importance.

First reason actually goes back to what I was saying before, about our thoughts of What Would Jesus Do. As we grow in Christ and learn to be more like Him, we will learn to love the things that He loves. And Christ loves for the church. He died for the church. Yes, He loves us all individually. But He died to create a new people for Himself, a new nation. And that's the church. We're not just a family, we're a body. And an arm and leg don't just wander off separately. We're joined together in Christ and we work together. Christ loves the church and I think we're doing a big disservice when we shun the church for the World or for ourselves.

Second reason is that we all need each other. There are certain tasks that the hand cannot do on it's own. I can't walk on my hands (some circus performers can, but I don't believe the body of Christ is a carnie.) I need Foot to help me in the areas where I can't get by. We are called into community. We are dependant on each other. I think in this age of internet isolation and working from home, we've come to make an idol of independence. But we can't live the Christian life as an island. I need my brothers and sisters in Christ to encourage me, admonish me, pray for me, and worship with me. When I feel low and I feel that I can't go on in this walk, I need the strength of my brothers and sisters.

Third, is the reason of the Great Commission. We're called to finish the work that Christ started while He was on Earth. While I feel there are great avenues for evangelism and witness in the secular arenas of life and through our own personal testimonies, we cannot ever think for a moment that those things make church unnecessary. Church is what brings us together to worship. Church is where we are taught. Church is our living room for our family. Church is important.

I know many people have been hurt by church before. I've been hurt by churches. But the answer is not to give up and get out. The answer is to pray, read the scriptures to see how the Church should function, and. . . the part we most often fail on, Get Involved. We're quick to point fingers at those who don't vote and participate in our government or our communities. But most of us come to church, sing a few songs, listen to a sermon, and leave, maybe after staying to talk for friends. But if there's going to be change it's because we have to be committed to working and doing our part in God's family. Yes it involves sacrifice, work, and maybe a bit of hardship...but since when was it supposed to be easy??

C-Dubbs

The Journey of a week. . .

A week ago, I wrote about my quarter-life crisis. Today, I feel excited and hopeful about the week ahead. Last week I was poor, lonely, and tired. Today I feel the exhiliration of starting over with money, the comfort of many friends, and an energy to attack life. A week ago I was hiding from God, maybe even resenting Him a bit. This morning started out with songs of praise.

And such is life, right?

I could just read things that my joy today is relegated to a sort-of solution to my problems. I was able to get some money to clear out my debt. I've spent the week with good friends and my best friend is returning home tonight. I feel energy because the work week is over and I have a chance to relax. Maybe even my joy in God is due to some spiritual high attached to the Sunday morning service.

But I hope that's not it.

See, I think one of my worst habits is to trust my emotions. When things go rough, it's usually time for me to slip into depression and dispair instead of hitching up my pants and charging ahead at my problems head-on. I choose to ignore the issues looming over my head instead of attacking them and taking responsibility. When things are good, I tend to get overzealous and get myself into trouble.

But today doesn't feel like that. If anything, today just feels. . . clear.

When I can step back from my emotions and look at the situation, I realize that things aren't as bad as they could be. I'm not destitute and living on the streets. I don't have a lack of friends. I have a God who loves me and cares for me and provides for me. I'm young, the best experiences in life are still awaiting me and I have about 50 years (hopefully) of experiences to live through. Life is, in fact, good. And when I look at life objectively like that, that fills me with hope and joy. It fills me with peace and fills me with a sense of confidence, because I've seen how faithful God has been in the past. One of God's great attributes is his unchanging nature. . . when He's been so faithful all my life, it's wonderful to know that He's going to continue to be.

Today was a good day, even though I slept through Sunday School and had to make a mad dash to get to church on time. The sermon hit me right between the eyes of where I need to be in life, about how the ultimate goal of everything is to glorify God. After church we had dinner at Don Pablo's with the entire family to say goodbye to my sister before she heads back to school next Saturday.

Tonight was fun. A friend that I had grown up with was visiting our church today and so tonight I went to get coffee with him and Becky and catch up on old times. Although it was short, it was nice. I'm a person who loves the company of others. Given a Friday night at home (although sometimes it is nice) I go nuts. I need people, I need conversation, I need fellowship. So it was nice to have that, if only for an hour or so.

Well, I'm going to stop writing for now, simply because The Simpsons is coming on and I don't want to miss it. No work tomorrow and I have more things on my mind, so I think I very well may write later!

C-Dubbs

Sorry. . . took a bit of a break there. . .

Haven't written in a few days, simply because there really hasn't been a whole heck of a lot to write about since Wednesday. Been working overtime and spending my free time watching too much TV. Not much else has happened. Although, the great news is that I found out this week that I could borrow from my 401k to pay back my debt, which actually brings me ahead with my monetary situation, so that's one big huzzah to cheer for!!

Weekend hasn't really started for me yet since I had to work an 8:30-5 shift. My weekend happens to be Sunday and Monday this week. Last night after work i came home and watched Goodfellas, which I really feel should be on the top ten list i did a few weeks ago. What a brilliant film. It's brutal and savage, but the acting and directing is nothing short of perfection. I've seen the film probably close to 10 times, and it always feels just as fresh and tragic as the first time. Awesome flick. Tonight after work I took a walk and then just putzed around the apartment. Nothing much to do. Watched a few Simpsons Season 4 episodes. "Mr. Plow" is, of course, one of the all-time classic Simpsons episodes ever and I'm amazed how well it holds up about 10 years after it first debuted. Actually, the entire fourth season is just so great. Every episode has either been a classic or contained classic lines. Excellent collection.

Okay. . . now if you check the movie listings, we're actually heading into the bottom of the barrel for films until the fall season starts on Labor Day. So, the summer film season is officially pretty much over. That done, here's a list of what I felt the top 10 films this summer were for me. Honestly, it wasn't a bad summer, but is wasn't great. Of the 10 films on this list, I can only think of 3 or 4 that are even possible contenders for the best films I saw all year. But read on.

1. Collateral: This was probably the all-out best flick I saw all summer. Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx delivered peak performances and Michael Mann directed an action thriller that was tense, dramatic, pulse-pounding, and intelligent all at once. The last 30 minutes delivered some incredible suspense and every performance was just dead-on. Great fun.

2. Before Sunset: Okay, I'm a bit of a sucker for love stories, if the truth be told, as long as they are told honestly and deal with characters, not some inane contrivances (although I will admit with some sheepishness that I did think The Notebook was well done.) But this movie really hit me hard. I loved the original film, but in hindsight, Before Sunrise seems made only to set up this brilliant sequel. Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke seem to become Celine and Jesse. The conversation they have throughout their day in Paris is deep, heartfelt, and intelligent. For most of the movie, the audience spends the time wondering if they are even going to attempt to get back together. When the emotional third act comes, it's brought about so subtley and softly that we're surprised to find our hearts breaking and urging Jesse not to get on that plane. And the ending is at once hopeful and ambigous. Here's hoping we run into Jesse and Celine again in nine years. . .

3. Spiderman 2: This isn't the four-star movie that all the critics were hailing it as, but it's pretty darn close. Not only is it one of the best sequels I've ever seen (this year was a VERY good year for sequels), but it vies very seriously with X2 as the best superhero movie ever. It's exciting and epic, yet also has moments of intimacy and emotion. Tobey Maquire seems to be more confident this time out and Alfred Molina knocks it out of the park as Doc Ock (a nice recover from the lame Green Goblin.) But this film is truly a success because of Sam Raimi, who lets loose with the camera just like he did in Evil Dead and delivers some incredible action sequences.

4. Garden State: Zach Braff's debut film is one that I think I'll grow to love more in time. Funny and touching is a hard mix to get in a film without being sappy. And I've always been wary of filmmakers who try to use quirky touches. . . if I feel too taken out of the story, I can't really relate to the characters (a big reason why, although I admire his craft, I have not enjoyed any of Wes Anderson's films.) But Braff is able to pull it off in a film that made me laugh and yet choked me up. His timing as a director is impeccable and his eye for detail is impressive for a first-timer. Anyone in their 20s who have spent life wondering why they feel so numb will relate to this film. The performances are probably some of the best all year, but Natalie Portman comes off especially well. And it also proves what Shattered Glass proved last year: keep your eyes on Peter Sarsgaard.

5. The Bourne Supremacy: Like I said earlier, it was a very good year for sequels (although I wasn't too fond of Shrek 2.) Matt Damon's Jason Bourne is so much better and more believable than Affleck's Jack Ryan (maybe I'm just bitter because I'm a Clancy fan.) But this film is taut and tense from the get go and does a nice job of standing alone and yet also deepening Bourne's mystery. I like the fact that everyone in this film comes off as intelligent. . . no run-of-the-mill characters here. The fight in the apartment with the magazine vs. knife was a nice touch. But the car chase through the streets of Germany at the end is the clincher, delivering one of the best chases I've ever seen.

6. Anchorman--the Legend of Ron Burgundy: "I'll punch you in the ovaries." "I stabbed a man in the heart with a trident." "You pooped in the refrigerator?" "You're a crazy pirate hooker woman." "Stay classy, San Diego." "Scotchy scotch scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly." "San Diego was, of course, discovered by the Germans." If you're laughing at these comments, than you know why this films on here and why Will Ferrell is the next big comedy star. If you're not laughing, you either didn't like the film or you haven't seen it yet. If your answer is the latter, shame on you.

7. The Day After Tomorrow: I have a weakness for end of the world, disaster flicks. I love watching mass destruction. I love watching landmarks get pummelled by aliens, disasters, or giant lizards. And this film, from the director of Independence Day, was exactly what I like about it. The special effects were astounding, especially as that wall of water just barrels down on New York. Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhall add some respectability to the story. Fun stuff.

8. Open Water: Again, I'm sure there's a Blair Witch-style backlash against this film. "It's not gory." "It's not violent." "You don't see many sharks." And those people are missing the point. This film is suspenseful because of what you don't see. What do you imagine? Any second, those sharks could jump out of the water, and we're left without a music cue to depend on. For about an hour of its 80-minute running time, my hands were clenching the armrest. Too bad the ending was a tad lame, but other than that, this was a great film.

9. The Village: Not my favorite film by M. Night Shyamalan, but still entertaining nonetheless. First off, its beautifully photographed. The acting is well-done. The suspense is plentiful. The first twist is a bit predictable, but the second twist blew me away. A well-written, well-crafted story. Others may have been disappointed, but I was entertained.

10. Van Helsing: Oh, I'm going to get crap for this one. Many film geeks were out to burn Steven Sommers at the stake for his latest horror-adventure. I, however, thought it was a hoot. Had I been 10, it would be my favorite movie of all-time. Its not without its flaws, though. The story is a bit ludicrous, the humor is corny, and some of the special effects are a bit bad. This is not the type of film I would buy on DVD. However, this was the perfect film to see on a hot summer night on a big screen. It was nicely photographed and the action was fun and fast. Seeing it on the big screen was a nice diversion, although I have to imagine seeing it at home may lose some of the appeal.

And, the big surprises of the summer. . .

Shrek 2: It's the highest grossing film of the year. The 3rd highest grossing film of all-time. And yet, I don't know why. It's not horrible. In fact, I laughed quite a bit during the final half. But it takes a long time to get where it's going and that first half is quite slow and tedious, like a failed sitcom. Not a bad movie. I'll see part 3. But not near as witty, fast-paced, or funny as the first film.

The Notebook: This movie was a not-on-my-deathbed movie. It looked sappy. It looked manipulative. It looked like a chick flick. . . and it was all those things. But the surprise is, I went in knowing that and came out having seen a well done film. Maybe not my cup of tea (when it comes to love stories, I'm more Say Anything or Before Sunrise), but I'll admit to a good film when I see it and this had a lot going for it. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling had very good chemistry, and the ending. . . while a bit unrealistic, was a nicer touch than the usual love story drivel.

Farenheit 9/11: Um. . . the surprise is. . . it wasn't very surprising. It wasn't surprising to see Michael Moore take potshots at President Bush through the first half. The second half, although very powerful and thought-provoking, didn't deliver any surprises you couldn't see on the nightly news. It's surprising that it's merely entertaining and not enraging. It's surprising this took the highest honor at Cannes, being a blatant piece of propoganda. But it's surprising that it was still enjoyable, still shows why Michael Moore is a gifted entertainer, and I'll be surprised if it's not noticed at Awards Time (although, please no documentary awards...this film is not a documentary at all.)

The Manchurian Candidate: With Jonathan Demme in the director's chair and stars like Denzel Washington and Meryl Streep in front of the camera, this film should have been a contender for best film of the year. Unfortunately it was a run-of-the-mill, if bizarre, thriller. Very well made and acted, of course. But Collateral delivered more suspense and The Bourne Supremacy had more twists and a much more credible conspiracy. A good movie, but with a pedigree like this, it should have been great.

Troy: Epics should give us something bigger to root for. In Braveheart, it was freedom. In Gladiator, it was family. In this film, it's. . . um, Achilles' popularity?? Again, not a bad film. Just mediocre. First off, doing the story of the Trojan War without any of Greek Mythology?? Ugh. That's like telling the story of Clark Kent and leaving out Superman. Brad Pitt and Eric Bana were good, but Orlando Bloom is cornering the market in wuss roles (although I'll still give him points for that awesome scene with the elephant in Return of the King.) It's long and self-important and the actions scenes are nothing we haven't seen before in much-better made films. Let's hope that Alexander is more exhilirating, or else I'm calling an end to sword and sandel flicks.

Can we sue customers for emotional abuse??

What's wrong with the human race?? I just spent 12 1/2 hours at work today picking up some overtime and I feel like every customer was armed with a baseball bat just hitting me across the face all day. I got in my car after work and just let out a big, bellowing scream of frustration from dealing with the various tools who call and swear, scream, and threaten me all day.

Seriously, what is wrong with people? Why do we feel entitled to let others take responsibility for our own failures to keep our items in line? Why do we feel entitled to belittle human beings we've never met, who aren't even responsible for the bill being the way it is? Why do we think that life should be able to intrude on something like paying a bill? Don't we realize certain things are only luxuries and that going without a cell phone is not the end of the world??

Sigh. Sometimes I HATE customers. I wish I could tape record their conversations on the phone and then play it for their spouse or children to show them who they really are when no one's looking. Actually, I'd like to just play it back for them to see the look of embarrasment on their faces.

Wow, that was mean. Sorry. Just very worn out after a long day. I honestly don't even know why I'm writing today; I should be under the covers catching up on sleep. But I suppose I'm writing just to remind myself that there are things deeper than work.

So. . .

The big movie news I'm hearing is that the new horror flick in production is Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash!! Since F vs. J was one of the most enjoyable surprises of last Summer and the producers knew exactly how to balance the horror and humor, I can't wait for the followup. And adding Bruce Campbell's Ash, the hero from Evil Dead is one of the coolest ideas in the world. Ash and his Boom-Stick against Freddy's fingers and Jason's Machete?? I get goosebumps just thinking about it! Seriously, matching the plain ol' crazy world of Evil Dead up against the Elm Street and Friday the 13th films is one of the most cool, deranged ideas in the world. If it's done right it could be awesome. Done wrong. . . well, does anyone even think it wouldn't be the most fun train wreck in the world? They just need the right director. . . too bad that Sam Raimi's been busy with some little art films for Sony for the past few years. Although who wouldn't want to see Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash vs. Spiderman?? Okay, I'm sure someone's thought of it. . .

Probably the same someone who wrote the script for Jurassic Park 4 that "Moriarty" just reviewed at www.aint-it-cool.com . I love the JP films. The first one was one of the most enthralling movie experiences of my life (I was only 13 at the time). The second was fun, but not technically "good." The third movie was a fun, underrated adventure. So I don't have any qualms about them going back for a 4th time. But this idea?? Who was on crack with this?? Dinosaurs taking over the world?? A commando going alone to Isla Nublar?? TRAINED DINOSAURS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AND MILITARY TRAINED TO KILL DRUG DEALERS?? I have to be honest that a big part of me would like to see this on the screen because I'm convinced it would be a hoot. . . maybe unintentionally. . .

Okay, that's about it. Work's not too bad tomorrow. 7:30-4:30 but then I'm doing some OT from 5-7. Oh well. At least I'll be leaving while it's still daylight! I'll write later!

C-Dubbs

Another rat taking a break from the race. . .

So, Tuesday, huh? Nothing much to say, really. Work was decent. I wasn't too tired, frustrated, or angry when I left. That didn't stop me from taking another nap when I got home, but I'm not going to kick myself over that anymore. If it helps relieve tension and give me a burst of energy for the evening, I'll take it.

Didn't do much tonight. Went to my parents to return some DVDs I had borrowed and ended up getting in a fight with them over money. They are 100% correct, of course, in what they say. And, of course, I countered that I am trying. But it's hard to get ahead when every pay period you start behind. They offered to help me out, but I need to come up with exactly what I would need to get slightly ahead. I need to be more accountable to my dad about my budget. Pride, of course, makes me want to avoid doing that. But pride is childish. Strangely, enough, I'm learning that asking for wisdom, help, and guidance is one of the more mature things I can do. So we'll see what happens there.

Started reading through John Elderedge's book Waking the Dead today. He's the author of The Sacred Romance, Journey of Desire, and Wild at Heart, which are all books that have really impacted me. Even from the first chapter, I feel a stirring. I forget so often that I'm in a world at war. That my simple, mundane life is being played out on a stage involving all of heaven and earth and even the most minor temptations are battles where this war is waged. It should be a good read.

Working a long shift tomorrow, from 7:30 a.m.-9:00 p.m. A big part of me, of course, is dreading it, because I know it's long. But it's overtime. I need the money. So I'm just going to shut up and grin and bear it.

Thinking about maybe getting a second job. Maybe putting off school for a bit so I can just get ahead. Nothing tough; maybe a weekend shift at a video store or something like that. I just have to see if my schedule can allow it. Just to get me ahead and get me through the holidays. In February, of course, is my big bonu

Another rat taking a break from the race. . .

So, Tuesday, huh? Nothing much to say, really. Work was decent. I wasn't too tired, frustrated, or angry when I left. That didn't stop me from taking another nap when I got home, but I'm not going to kick myself over that anymore. If it helps relieve tension and give me a burst of energy for the evening, I'll take it.

Didn't do much tonight. Went to my parents to return some DVDs I had borrowed and ended up getting in a fight with them over money. They are 100% correct, of course, in what they say. And, of course, I countered that I am trying. But it's hard to get ahead when every pay period you start behind. They offered to help me out, but I need to come up with exactly what I would need to get slightly ahead. I need to be more accountable to my dad about my budget. Pride, of course, makes me want to avoid doing that. But pride is childish. Strangely, enough, I'm learning that asking for wisdom, help, and guidance is one of the more mature things I can do. So we'll see what happens there.

Started reading through John Elderedge's book Waking the Dead today. He's the author of The Sacred Romance, Journey of Desire, and Wild at Heart, which are all books that have really impacted me. Even from the first chapter, I feel a stirring. I forget so often that I'm in a world at war. That my simple, mundane life is being played out on a stage involving all of heaven and earth and even the most minor temptations are battles where this war is waged. It should be a good read.

Working a long shift tomorrow, from 7:30 a.m.-9:00 p.m. A big part of me, of course, is dreading it, because I know it's long. But it's overtime. I need the money. So I'm just going to shut up and grin and bear it.

Thinking about maybe getting a second job. Maybe putting off school for a bit so I can just get ahead. Nothing tough; maybe a weekend shift at a video store or something like that. I just have to see if my schedule can allow it. Just to get me ahead and get me through the holidays. In February, of course, is my big bonus, which should also help.

Sigh. . . this isn't what they prepare you for in high school or college, is it? They don't tell you that your dream job probably doesn't exist, marriage doesn't necessarilly happen at 22, and that money flies away a little bit faster than you think. But, it's life. And the fact that I'm alive is something to be happy about.

C

Fires, Fish, and First-Time Miracles. . .

Well, I think that--for today, at least--I've snapped out of whatever funk this weekend had me in. It actually started to alleviate last night when I went out for coffee with my friend Becky. One of the (only) nice things about being single is the fact that you're allowed to have friends of the opposite sex to hang out with, and we just had a nice two and a half hours of conversation, venting our frustrations and questions about life, love and God. Sometimes it's nice to have a friend just as frustrated with life as I am. So, it was fun.

Today was a free day, since I was planning it basically as a day to recover from my (nonexistent) trip. It was nice to wake up about nine and just have a cup of coffee and sit over the internet for a bit. I applied for a job. Went to the gym. Went grocery shopping. Nothing big. Oh yeah, and my roommate almost burned our kitchen down while he was cooking. That was funny. Luckily, no damage was done, no injury was inflicted, although it did make him think twice about doing stir fry, I'll bet. :)

Tonight, Brandon and I went to see Open Water. I'm sure there will be a lot of people who, like with The Blair Witch Project, will think it's all hype and no delivery. But I thought it was one of the more suspenseful films in awhile. It's not a gory, violent horror film. Instead, I would compare it more to the The Perfect Storm. It's a harrowing tail of survival. But the scenes of the actors swimming, with sharks right beneath them, created a tension and primal terror that is hard to do with film anymore. The ending was a bit too abrupt for my tastes, but overall it was a great film that will make anyone think twice about ever going scuba diving :) And, it's a nice lesson. . . watch The Discovery Channel during Shark Week and take notes!!

So, then I basically came home and loafed for most of the night. I wrote letters to Erin and Christina, because I remember how fun it was for me to get letters at camp. I'm hoping the camp has a mail delivery system, though. :) Then, I did my devotions.

I read tonight from John 2:1-12, when Jesus performed his first miracle, at the wedding in Cana. It's easy to gloss over things like that, because it's a story we've all heard numerous times before. But tonight I had my eyes opened to something I'd never seen before.

I always thought Jesus' response to his mother was a bit confusing. She asks him to help out with the wine situation and he basically says "Woman, what concern is this of mine?" It's always puzzled me, because it just seems odd. Why would he just rebuff his mother like that? It seems a bit cold and almost rude. And then, he goes and performs the miracle anyway. So, what's up with that?

But today I saw it from a different perspective. Jesus wasn't saying no simply because he didn't want to perform any tricks. It was motives in the asking. Mary was asking Christ to show His power and control over nature. . . after all, can't the Son of God help out the ones he loves? But Christ was reminding her of the true place He had. His job wasn't to be a magician or entertainer. He was here to glorify God, to redeem the lost, to offer salvation. Anything that wasn't part of that was just a hindrance. Yes, he ended up performing a miracle. But that was, as it says in verse 11, to show His glory, not to satisfy some party guests or be a show-off.

Maybe we need to keep that in mind when we come to Christ with our requests. His goal isn't to just give us riches and make us comfortable. Instead, when we come before Him, we have to realize that asking in His name means asking for His glory to be shown. Maybe the reason He says no or takes away some of our plans is because He knows that those things will be a hindrance to us in our pursuit of His glory. Our life is to be lived expressly for the glorification of God. And when we come before God in prayer, I think instead of rattling off a wish list, we need to keep His glory in mind.

Well, that's it for now. Back to work tomorrow. I should try and pick up some overtime this week. Write later!

C-Dubbs

Morning by morning, new mercies I see. . .

While I wouldn't consider myself out of my funk yet, I do have to admit that today is a new day and my mood is much better. The sun is shining. The weather is beautiful. I have a free day to do whatever I want. It's not too bad at all.

A lot of that might be due to the fact that last night ended up being a lot better than the day had started out. I was bored, so I figured I would go through my list of friends to see who I could call, since Erin was out of town for the weekend and she's usually the one I hang out with all weekend. Brandon was taking people out from work until about 9:30. Tim and Amy were shopping. I knew Brandon wouldn't like me to call Diana and hang out. Hannah had been at Starbucks when I last talked to her, so I figured another cup of coffee probably wouldn't be in the cards. So, I called my friend Becky, who I hadn't talked to in awhile except for the normal pleasantries at church.

One of the (few) wonderful things about being single is the fact that you can have good friends of the opposite sex. When you're part of a couple, you give up the right to really hang out just with someone of the opposite sex, which is something I actually dread. Sometimes my best conversations have been with females. And last night was one of the more refreshing times I've had. We just talked about religion and church and the struggles we had in life, with being single, with the people we'd like to end up with but know it's probably not in the cards. When you can vent that frustration, it's really the most liberating thing in the world, and it was just what I needed after being in such a funk all day. Then, Brandon joined us and we spent about another hour there before going back to my apartment and watching Signs, which I think is probably one of the best scary movies in years. So, it ended up being a nice evening. . .

Moving on. . .

There's a great story that Derek Webb tells on The House Show about Martin Luther. Every Sunday, he would preach about the Gospel. His congregation became irritated and frustrated about it, because they felt they were ready to move onto bigger and better and deeper things. So they came up to him and asked him, "why is it that you insist on preaching the Gospel to us week after week?"

Luther replied, "Because beloved, week after week you forget it."

I think one of the leading reasons that Christians faulter, get frustrated, and often give up is because they think of the Gospel simply as something that we tell nonbelievers. While that is an important, integral, essential part of the gospel, I think we forget the fact that we need the Gospel every day of our lives.

When we forget the gospel in our everyday life, Christianity becomes just a series of commands and rituals. It becomes behavior modification. Grace doesn't enter the picture because our minds are just focusing on not-sinning and working toward our sanctification. I'm not saying that deeds aren't important. James said that faith without deeds is dead. And I'm not saying that we don't have personal responsibility to obey God and pursue Holiness. We do. We're commanded to "work out our salvation with fear and trembling," not because works save us, but because we know what we were saved from and we know that we were called to a lifestyle of holy living.

But when we cease to think about the gospel, all Christianity becomes is works. And when we fall, we fall hard. Because we don't just sin, we wallow in our guilt. Or we try to cover up our sins by focusing on others' failures and boasting of the things we do right. I'm convinced that this is why the Church has been so tough on homosexuality. Yes, it's a sin. I agree with that. But I think the Church has made it into this horrible thing that we have to target because it takes the world's eyes off our own shortcomings and sins.

We need the Gospel every day because we fail and sin every day. We need, even after we've come to salvation, to realize that each day we are in need of a savior. We need to be willing to admit that we don't have it altogether. We're not alright. We sin. We fail. And we are in constant need of the cross. If we forget it, that's the worst thing I could ever imagine happening.

C-Dubbs

My Quarter-life crisis. . .

Although I haven't heard any psychiatric information confirming that this phenomena actually exists, I think it's safe to say that right now I'm going through a bit of a quarter life crisis. It wasn't this weekend that brought it on. But, with my friends gone and spending so much time with myself, I've had a lot of time to focus on me and the things going on in my life right now. And I can't find any other better explanation than right now I must be going through a quarter-life crisis. I've heard of people freaking out once they turn 25. I wouldn't say that I'm freaking out, per se. I haven't had bouts of crying or screaming or anything like that. But. . . it's hard to explain.

For the past few months, I've really had these moments of frustration. It's this feeling that life is just stopped. Not ending. Not bad. Just sort of on pause. That everyone around me is moving at regular speed. Getting jobs, getting married, getting money. And I'm 25 and still stuck in the same old rut.

I'm not advancing in my career. In fact, I don't even know what my career is. I spent four years of college training to go into journalism, simply for the opportunity to write. I got out of college and stayed with Verizon because it was a steady paycheck. I was rejected from the first newspaper I applied to. Instead of canvasing all the local papers, I simply agreed that it wasn't the field for me and decided to stay at Verizon and move up the ladder or see what else came up. And while the job pays well and offers great benefits, there is nothing fulfilling there. There is nothing that I feel I was put on Earth to accomplish at that job. Rather, it gets me a paycheck and that's it. My dad found out about my write-up for tardies and told me I just don't care about my job anymore. Sadly, that's probably the truth. I don't loathe it like I used to, but I'm dangerously apathetic about it. I could care less whether a costumer can afford to pay their bill. After all, what business is it of mine? Even if I can help this customer out, I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm just having more customers call in and scream and swear and berate me for the rest of the day. And if, in a perfect world, I could solve all my customers' problems and give them everything they need, all I'd really be accomplishing is to put myself out of business.

But I don't know if journalism is what I want to turn to. I never was the type of student who was passionate about the field. In fact, there was so much that I thought was tedious and boring and beyond my skill level. I can write, I'm confident of that. But reporting was another matter all together. The perfect journalistic endeavor for me would be to write about movies all day. . . but that's such a specialized field you can't just jump into that. And I suppose I could focus on being a Writer (notice the capital "W") and write screenplays, short stories, or the Great American Novel and see what comes of it. But it's so hard to break into the business that it would be more risk than it's worth.

So I'm pursuing my Master's in Marketing. And for what? To be locked in a cubicle for the next forty years? To wear a suit eight hours a day and talk about budgets and focus groups and sit in meetings? To help corporate America grow and thrive while I'm repulsed by our growing dependence on Things? Where's the job where I can make a difference? Where I can do God's work and feel that my talents are being used to accomplish something for Him? When you were in high school, they told you the world was yours. You could be anything you want. Now we're told a different lie. . . you can make as much as you want. Ugh. The difference is horrible.

And I'm getting older. In the past, I was resilient. I remember my college days, when I was out until three every morning. Running around to all corners of town and just sitting doing nothing. And I could wake up refreshed at nine the next morning and do it all over again. When I was a kid, I could run and scream and jump and not get tired. Now, however, it's not the same. I worry about having another stroke constently. I analyze every headache and dizzy spell and weakness to see if it's coming back. I'm on medicine that makes me drowzy and numb to the world. Even on the good days--and, I'm not going to lie, there are quite a few of those despite what this entry says--I find myself tired and frustrated. When I'm bored or stressed, I simply take a long nap. When I get the chance to sleep in in the morning, I sleep in until eleven, wasting away a morning that I would have loved to spend over a cup of coffee or a nice breakfast.

And loneliness. Man, if there were anything that baffles me more, it's how can I be so lonely. Because it's not that I don't have friends. God has blessed me with an abundance of them. When we went out for my birthday a few weeks ago, I was so humbled by the amount of people that showed up. And, what's more, I feel that these are high quality friendships. Without these people in my life, I would probably be depressed beyond all means right now. But I'm not. I'm frustrated, confused, and impatient. Maybe even sad. But not depressed.

But with all these friends, there's that One Person missing. And it's that One Person who we're told is so essential in our lives. If the next step forward in life is marriage and family, than that One Person is quite an integral part. And why won't she reveal herself? Why won't I stop being afraid and start searching her out? When I feel those feelings, why do I keep quiet or keep my mouth shut. For fear of rejection? Fear of ruining a friendship? Fear of change or commitment? Anything's got to be better than the feeling that it will never happen. I have so many people tell me what a great friend I am, what a great person I am. That I'm a godly man, a good leader, such a kind, caring person. And yet, over and over, all my life, all I seem to hear is "but that's not good enough for what I'm looking for." And it's that rejection which has pushed me to the brink of freezing up, keeping my mouth shut, not pursuing the obvious chances. It's that experience. . . those arrows, as I've heard them called. . . that is so much a reason for my loneliness.

And I find myself getting angry and frustrated with God, and that's when I have to remember my place. I get angry because I'm doing all the right things. I'm kind to people. I treat people with respect. I'm a hard worker. I'm pursuing His Will. Why can't He just open a few doors? Why can't he just press "play" and let my life at least unfold? Even if it's bad, even if it's painful, it's so much better than this constant state of suspended animation.

Does everyone go through this? My friends who have gotten married, gotten the jobs they wanted, or are on that path don't seem to show any evidence of that. Maybe it's because they're preoccupied. Maybe with all the distractions in life, it's easier to go about thinking you're right where you're supposed to be. After all, I didn't start pinpointing this until I had too much time to myself. Maybe those are the people who get the mid-life crises and maybe I'm just getting it out of the way. Either way, right now, it kinda sucks.

So what do I do? I'm not a fan of just leaving this open-ended and on a downer. And I'm a big believer that I shouldn't be feeling these feelings without coming to the resolution God has in store. So here are a few things I've felt laid on my heart.

1.) I have to move. The old adage is that there are people who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who let things happen to them. Sadly, I'm in the latter category. I trust that God has something in store for me. I'm not doubting Him in my frustration, just confused. But I also have to realize I have a responsibility. God gave us life to be lived,not to be fretted and analyzed over. And although I say I have faith in what He has in store, faith without works is dead. If I feel that God has brought me to a cliff and I'm secure that He'll catch me when I jump, then the only way that that faith is going to be proven true is if I actually jump.

2.) I have to be still. When life is busy, I tend not to wrestle with these questions. With my weekend so open now, I have been given the chance to ask these questions. And it means that I have to realize that right now God is giving me a chance to know Him and prepare for the changes that will happen in life. He works in His own time table, not mine. And I have to trust that when the time comes to move forward in life, He will direct me.

C-Dubbs