My Quarter-life crisis. . .

Although I haven't heard any psychiatric information confirming that this phenomena actually exists, I think it's safe to say that right now I'm going through a bit of a quarter life crisis. It wasn't this weekend that brought it on. But, with my friends gone and spending so much time with myself, I've had a lot of time to focus on me and the things going on in my life right now. And I can't find any other better explanation than right now I must be going through a quarter-life crisis. I've heard of people freaking out once they turn 25. I wouldn't say that I'm freaking out, per se. I haven't had bouts of crying or screaming or anything like that. But. . . it's hard to explain.

For the past few months, I've really had these moments of frustration. It's this feeling that life is just stopped. Not ending. Not bad. Just sort of on pause. That everyone around me is moving at regular speed. Getting jobs, getting married, getting money. And I'm 25 and still stuck in the same old rut.

I'm not advancing in my career. In fact, I don't even know what my career is. I spent four years of college training to go into journalism, simply for the opportunity to write. I got out of college and stayed with Verizon because it was a steady paycheck. I was rejected from the first newspaper I applied to. Instead of canvasing all the local papers, I simply agreed that it wasn't the field for me and decided to stay at Verizon and move up the ladder or see what else came up. And while the job pays well and offers great benefits, there is nothing fulfilling there. There is nothing that I feel I was put on Earth to accomplish at that job. Rather, it gets me a paycheck and that's it. My dad found out about my write-up for tardies and told me I just don't care about my job anymore. Sadly, that's probably the truth. I don't loathe it like I used to, but I'm dangerously apathetic about it. I could care less whether a costumer can afford to pay their bill. After all, what business is it of mine? Even if I can help this customer out, I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm just having more customers call in and scream and swear and berate me for the rest of the day. And if, in a perfect world, I could solve all my customers' problems and give them everything they need, all I'd really be accomplishing is to put myself out of business.

But I don't know if journalism is what I want to turn to. I never was the type of student who was passionate about the field. In fact, there was so much that I thought was tedious and boring and beyond my skill level. I can write, I'm confident of that. But reporting was another matter all together. The perfect journalistic endeavor for me would be to write about movies all day. . . but that's such a specialized field you can't just jump into that. And I suppose I could focus on being a Writer (notice the capital "W") and write screenplays, short stories, or the Great American Novel and see what comes of it. But it's so hard to break into the business that it would be more risk than it's worth.

So I'm pursuing my Master's in Marketing. And for what? To be locked in a cubicle for the next forty years? To wear a suit eight hours a day and talk about budgets and focus groups and sit in meetings? To help corporate America grow and thrive while I'm repulsed by our growing dependence on Things? Where's the job where I can make a difference? Where I can do God's work and feel that my talents are being used to accomplish something for Him? When you were in high school, they told you the world was yours. You could be anything you want. Now we're told a different lie. . . you can make as much as you want. Ugh. The difference is horrible.

And I'm getting older. In the past, I was resilient. I remember my college days, when I was out until three every morning. Running around to all corners of town and just sitting doing nothing. And I could wake up refreshed at nine the next morning and do it all over again. When I was a kid, I could run and scream and jump and not get tired. Now, however, it's not the same. I worry about having another stroke constently. I analyze every headache and dizzy spell and weakness to see if it's coming back. I'm on medicine that makes me drowzy and numb to the world. Even on the good days--and, I'm not going to lie, there are quite a few of those despite what this entry says--I find myself tired and frustrated. When I'm bored or stressed, I simply take a long nap. When I get the chance to sleep in in the morning, I sleep in until eleven, wasting away a morning that I would have loved to spend over a cup of coffee or a nice breakfast.

And loneliness. Man, if there were anything that baffles me more, it's how can I be so lonely. Because it's not that I don't have friends. God has blessed me with an abundance of them. When we went out for my birthday a few weeks ago, I was so humbled by the amount of people that showed up. And, what's more, I feel that these are high quality friendships. Without these people in my life, I would probably be depressed beyond all means right now. But I'm not. I'm frustrated, confused, and impatient. Maybe even sad. But not depressed.

But with all these friends, there's that One Person missing. And it's that One Person who we're told is so essential in our lives. If the next step forward in life is marriage and family, than that One Person is quite an integral part. And why won't she reveal herself? Why won't I stop being afraid and start searching her out? When I feel those feelings, why do I keep quiet or keep my mouth shut. For fear of rejection? Fear of ruining a friendship? Fear of change or commitment? Anything's got to be better than the feeling that it will never happen. I have so many people tell me what a great friend I am, what a great person I am. That I'm a godly man, a good leader, such a kind, caring person. And yet, over and over, all my life, all I seem to hear is "but that's not good enough for what I'm looking for." And it's that rejection which has pushed me to the brink of freezing up, keeping my mouth shut, not pursuing the obvious chances. It's that experience. . . those arrows, as I've heard them called. . . that is so much a reason for my loneliness.

And I find myself getting angry and frustrated with God, and that's when I have to remember my place. I get angry because I'm doing all the right things. I'm kind to people. I treat people with respect. I'm a hard worker. I'm pursuing His Will. Why can't He just open a few doors? Why can't he just press "play" and let my life at least unfold? Even if it's bad, even if it's painful, it's so much better than this constant state of suspended animation.

Does everyone go through this? My friends who have gotten married, gotten the jobs they wanted, or are on that path don't seem to show any evidence of that. Maybe it's because they're preoccupied. Maybe with all the distractions in life, it's easier to go about thinking you're right where you're supposed to be. After all, I didn't start pinpointing this until I had too much time to myself. Maybe those are the people who get the mid-life crises and maybe I'm just getting it out of the way. Either way, right now, it kinda sucks.

So what do I do? I'm not a fan of just leaving this open-ended and on a downer. And I'm a big believer that I shouldn't be feeling these feelings without coming to the resolution God has in store. So here are a few things I've felt laid on my heart.

1.) I have to move. The old adage is that there are people who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who let things happen to them. Sadly, I'm in the latter category. I trust that God has something in store for me. I'm not doubting Him in my frustration, just confused. But I also have to realize I have a responsibility. God gave us life to be lived,not to be fretted and analyzed over. And although I say I have faith in what He has in store, faith without works is dead. If I feel that God has brought me to a cliff and I'm secure that He'll catch me when I jump, then the only way that that faith is going to be proven true is if I actually jump.

2.) I have to be still. When life is busy, I tend not to wrestle with these questions. With my weekend so open now, I have been given the chance to ask these questions. And it means that I have to realize that right now God is giving me a chance to know Him and prepare for the changes that will happen in life. He works in His own time table, not mine. And I have to trust that when the time comes to move forward in life, He will direct me.

C-Dubbs