I can see why some people become catatonic. Faced with all the pressures and worries that this world forces onto the average person in one day, it's surprising more people don't just decide to retreat inside themselves and not deal with any of the stress that stares them in the face day in and day out.

This morning my alarm went off at 6:15, as usual. And before I even opened my eyes, the pressures were mounting. Bills that need paid came into my mind. Just how in the hole financially I am was being whispered into my ear. The fact that I'd have to go to work again just to get yelled at by customers, then go to economics class, then come home and still face the fact that it's going to be 2 weeks before I have any loose spending money all crowded around me.

I finally opened my eyes and decided to face the music at about 6:35. I took my shower wondering how in the world I was going to make it through the next week. I kick myself for being unwise and try to look for any solutions that make themselves available to get myself back on some stable ground.

The ride to work is pretty smooth until. . . of course, we get within a mile of my work. Then the freeway clogs up and all the commuters hit their brakes. Getting off the freeway and taking the roads to get to work is no luck, either. I hit every red light. I pull in five minutes late. And still I find myself wanting to sit in my car for just another five minutes so I don't have to go in and face my job. It's not so much that the job is awful, anymore. It's just that I don't want to hear people complain about their problems for eight hours when I have enough of my own (I'm sure some of you reading this feel the same way!)

And so now I'm stuck with a conundrum: I'm supposed to teach about anxiety and worry on Sunday. How can I get up and talk about those things when I found myself this morning paralyzed by worry and on the verge of getting into the fetal position and ignoring the world.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not doubting God. And I don't think he's being, as Jim Carrey put it in Bruce Almighty, "a mean kid sitting on an ant hill with a magnifying glass burning my feelers off." Most my problems are ones I could have avoided and in my stupidity I didn't. And most of them, to be very candid, are probably not as big as I'm making them. I've been in worst spots before. I know there's a part of me that's making mountains out of . . . well, not exactly molehills, but something like bunny hills. So I don't get the feeling that God is picking on me.

But these are things I've been working on. And I don't see progress. When I think I get an inch ahead, something comes and pulls me six feet back. And I ask God for peace, assistance, any help He can spare. And yet I still find myself in the hole.

I feel like Paul with his thorn in the flesh. More than three times I've asked God to help me get on track, have just a moment of peace, maybe not take away the burden, but at least aleviate the stress. And nothing doing. And it's comforting to realize that He didn't take away Paul's thorn, either. Instead, He told him, "my grace is sufficient for you. My strength is perfect in your weakness."

I admit that at first glance that's not the answer I like to hear. I'd like God to go "My grace is sufficient for you. . . but I'll throw a little extra help your way." And sometimes He might do that. . . but in this case, He's not giving anything beyond what I have right now. And the question is thrust in my face: can I be happy with just grace? Even if I'm destitute, lonely, and depressed, can I be happy with just grace?

And in dealing with my own anxieties, God's giving me an object lesson in why he allows us to go through these trials and anxieties, and even why He sometimes doesn't take them away. It's to burn away my dependance on this world. To keep me from getting caught up in having too much. To learn to be satisfied with only as much as He chooses to give me and to learn that if all I have is grace, that should be enough.

I haven't learned that lesson yet, which is why God probably keeps beating me over the head with it. But I'm learning. I'm learning how to enjoy life without having to catch a movie each weekend. I'm finding contentment in the simple things: conversations with friends, time in God's word, time walking. And in doing so, God's breaking me of my dependance on myself and on this world and causing me to really totally and completely on Him. And it's tough, scary, and humbling. But I know that it's leading me closer to my Abba. As I've struggled with this, the chorus of Rich Mullins' song "Hold Me Jesus" has been going through my head over and over:

Hold Me Jesus
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been king of my glory
Won't you be my prince of peace?

C-Dubbs